After a number of (probably tongue-in-cheek) requests from the loyal readers of KSB, and a feast over the weekend of five bags, I've decided to review a selection of types of the God-snack, the walking food of champions, the mouthwatering munch. It's the salty taste that tickles your tongue, the delectable way it breaks apart in your mouth, the complimentary relationship it has with a box of beers, the taste explosion you get when you stuff a bunch in your mouth at the same time.
Without further ado, I'd like to take the opportunity to introduce to you my favourite food, it's now your favourite food - the humble potato chip.
Note: Since these are all New Zealand flavours, apologies to the one or two Americans who occasionally stumble across this blog. Just know this - Doritos are the Cadillac of corn chips, Pringles are a good buy if you are a millionaire, and Lays chips (especially Barbeque) are among the finest in the world. But on the whole, your chips are far too salty.
First up, the simplest of flavours (since obviously Plain is no flavour at all) - Ready Salted. No true chip connoisseur counts Ready Salted amongst the pantheon of flavours - instead it is enjoyed by fair weather fans, heathens, and dip enthusiasts. A big bag of Ready Salted can be a perfect compliment to a well selected dip, such as Basil and Ricotta Pesto Laden with Chunks of Pinenuts and Cashews, or the classic reduced cream and onion soup dip (must be well refridgerated), but it cannot stand up to the greats of the chip world when compared by itself.
Flavour rating: 1 out of 5
I may be a world renowned expert on potato chips, but that doesn't mean I'm a chip historian. So I have no idea what came first out of Chicken and Salt & Vinegar. But both are similar, in the sense that it is only someone who has a simple, unassuming relationship with chips that will consider either flavour their 'favourite'. Don't get me wrong, they are both good flavours, and a packet of either will be an entertaining diversion until they are finished. But they have since been surpassed, along with other pioneer flavours like Green Onion and The Works.
Important note: Any chip eater worth his salt will know that no other flavours have such a wide variance in quality. The Bluebird Originals versions are by far the best, but chip historians will note this has only been the case since they changed the recipe in mid-2008. Substantially down the scale is Eta Ripples and Eta Spuds (if they are even different things), and bringing up the rear is Pams (which for some reason can only produce one good flavour - more on this below). One notable champion amongst the hordes of Salt & Vinegar variances are Kettle Chips. When the mysterious bedpals that are sodium chloride and acetic acid are lost within the undulating valleys of a Kettle-cooked chip, the explosion of taste is beyond most other versions of the chip.
Flavour rating (for the Bluebird versions): 3 out of 5; Salt & Vinegar Kettle Chips: 4 out of 5
Coming close to the cream of the industry is Barbeque, but not just any Barbeque. Like the classic flavours, there is a significant chasm between the best of Barbeque and the rest. Bluebird Kettles take the title running away, with a surprising second place going to Pams. Available only from Pak N' Save and New World, generally for a bargain price, don't be fooled by the budget packaging and unassuming chip design, for inside that humble Pams packet is a glorious feast of flavour. Bringing up the rear are Eta Kettles and the terrible Bluebird Originals attempt at Barbeque, BBQ Bacon.
Flavour rating: 4 out of 5
Chip afficionados will have no surprise at the flavour that is atop this list. As firmly entrenched as it now is, it has only been there a short time - since the Bluebirds flavour recalibration mentioned above. There is little hesitation for me now reaching for a bag of Sour Cream & Chives, but only the Bluebirds flavour. Other, unmastered versions are much less appealing, and can't stack up. I have no idea what would happen if you mixed a tub of sour cream with whatever the hell chives are, but I am convinced that God's own excrement would not taste as good as a bag of these chips.
Flavour rating: 5 out of 5
On a side note, there are a significant number of spin off flavours, some of which are significant improvements on the originals. Honey Soy Chicken, for instance, is one that I would prefer to most other foods on any given day, and earns a 4 out of 5 flavour rating. Bluebirds Thin Cuts are another good option, with the flavour distribution on each chip being marvellous due to the thinness of the chip, while Thick Cuts are ideal for dips. But the flavour of Chilli deserves special consideration, particularly the Uppercuts Chilli and Sour Cream and the Delisio Sweet Chilli Relish. Both easy 4 out of 5s, they are penalised only slightly for the reason that they are almost too overpowering, and eating significant amounts of either could result in permanent damage to your mouth/tongue/rectum.
I truly hope this manifesto of mouth-wateriness proves helpful to your eating endeavours. If I have made any errors in your opinion, forgive me, for I am truly contrite.
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